Long story, but I’m something like a ‘humanist celebrant’ at a wedding this weekend. They don’t want to bother God, but they do want to mark their connection with friends, and they asked me to conduct the festivities. I’m humbled. But I’ve just seen the programme, and the first bit says, ‘James welcomes everyone and says something about the importance of friends and family and the partnership the couple has, general remarks about marriage, etc’. I’m all in favour of freedom, but this is a very loose brief indeed. I’ve been told not to swear, but that’s my only steer. Help!
Now’s your chance to provide a counter-example to Jeremy’s discovery that atheists aren’t much good at helping from a distance. Any thoughts or leads or views? Any pointers to philosophers on love and marriage — my copy of the Symposium will be examined in a moment. What would you say? What should be said, what matters most, when two people who aren’t believers want to have a serious connection marked with family and friends?
I’m glad it’s you and not me. I was tempted to say something silly like, “you’re on your own buddy” but that’s not being very helpful. The importance of friends, family, partnerships, marriage, freedom etc. If I were you I’d find out what Buddhism says about these things. They have a way with words for sure. Good luck.
Not sure if they’d like some Buddhist stuff — just looking for a bit of philosophical insight regarding relationships that’s not religious.
Annoying, when you think I’ve been hanging around philosophy for half my life, and nothing springs to mind that might be apt for a wedding.
Thought of Annie Hall, but it is about a break up, so no, but worth a look if you don’t know it:
‘After that it got pretty late, and we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I… I realized what a terrific person she was, and… and how much fun it was just knowing her; and I… I, I thought of that old joke, y’know, the, this… this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, uh, my brother’s crazy; he thinks he’s a chicken.” And, uh, the doctor says, “Well, why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “I would, but I need the eggs.” Well, I guess that’s pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y’know, they’re totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and… but, uh, I guess we keep goin’ through it because, uh, most of us… need the eggs.’
No worries. If I thought Buddhism was a religion I wouldn’t curse you with the idea. No God. Humanity first and years of human thought. Some even say philosophy in jest. Some good stuff there. Take it easy.
John Macmurray is good on friendship, indeed it’s a central theme of his thought, though his sensibility is very much Christian. So is Aristotle, though a bit clinical. And so was Auguste Comte’s religion of humanity (the original positivism).
For Catholics, marriage is a sacrament, like baptism. Sacraments are outward signs instituted by Christ to give grace. Grace is a gift from God. In baptism, the outward signs are the water and the words, which can be said by anyone. The grace is sanctifying grace, which makes us like God. The elements in marriage are two people committing themselves to one another for life with a vow. A priest is not necessary, and I don’t know whether it is necessary for the couple to be of opposite sex. The grace of marriage, I suppose, helps the married couple get to heaven.
The Catholic Church only recognizes marriages witnessed by a priest. It cannot be any priest, but must be a priest authorized by the bishop in the parish the vow takes place in. The Church does not recognize marriages between divorced couples, but this does not mean the marriage is not sacramental.
Thanks for those pointers. I’m actually finding a huge number of websites — many blogs like this one (http://apracticalwedding.com/2010/10/writing-a-non-traditional-wedding-ceremony/) with people sharing thoughts about non-traditional weddings. There’s a humanist guide out there too — no good to me given my timeline, but worth noticing.
How about something from Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving?
I don’t have a copy at hand, but it’s good on how loving is not magic or a feeling, but an art that one has to learn, practice and understand.
It’s the best handbook I know on constructing sane and positive relationships through care, responsibility and knowledge.
It also analyzes the social forces in contemporary society which militate against loving
as an art.
I attended a friend’s humanist wedding and it was one of the most fantastic weddings I’ve seen. Celebrating their relationship, their commitment – I think the opening line was something like “They are affirming their commitment to each other, after X years together, in front of you, their family and friends.” It had everything to do with their lives, their commitment to each other and them as human beings rather than anything to do with deity. Then the legal aspect, guiding them through simple vows to each other, signing the documents. Quick, beautiful, and entirely about them.
Good luck!
I don’t know. This doesn’t seem fair to you. My partner and I did this over thirty years ago, but we didn’t put any pressure on our celebrant to compose an address. We wrote some lines for him to read, mostly about how happy we were to have all these people we love witness our commitment to one another.
I remember finding it interesting that no one in our nominally religious families questioned our being married without benefit of clergy. I took it as an indicator of how much belief is true.